 Grief Support Navigation
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The grief journey is long and
difficult. Many adults become overwhelmed.
Yet, grief is essential to healing. If you find
that you need help, there are many groups committed to
providing support. Many are listed under our
Grief
Organizations section. You can also contact
Hospice
of Michigan, your church, local funeral homes, and
cemeteries. Many of these groups can help you
find help in your community. Sharing your burden
with others can help you find peace.
Living with Grief - a
message for bereaved parents (By Hal Lipton, American Trauma
Society)
-
Going through
the pain and sadness of loss is a horrific experience.
Nobody should tell you “you should be over the pain
by now.” The pain lasts for a life time, but you
can go on with your life despite your loss.
There is
no one way to cope. Talk about it, don’t be ashamed
of your feelings. A group can be helpful because those
that have experienced a similar loss are more likely to
be understanding than others. An individual counselor
may also be very helpful.
When a death
first occurs, parents are often numb, still in shock
and still getting lots of attention from friends and
family. When that support is no longer so available,
some parents feel very lonely. The death becomes more
real and more painful in some ways during the first few
months after it has occurred. After a month or two,
a bereavement group may be helpful.
Don’t
forget to pay attention to the siblings of children
that died. Often, parents get all the support from
friends and family. Siblings sometimes need help in
dealing with their survival guilt, feelings that
parents would have preferred that they died instead of
their sibling, fears that they too are vulnerable to an
early death, and worries that the parents will no
longer have any energy to take care of them.
Each
family member copes in his/her own way. Family
members and friends can be helpful by
listening—allowing the bereaved parents and siblings to
talk when they want to. Don’t set artificial deadlines
for the parents/siblings to be “over with it by now.”
Don’t be afraid that you will make a mistake in talking
to them. You can use the first name of the deceased.
Just don’t say something like, “Oh well, at least you
have three other children,” or, “God wanted him more
than you did,” or, “Just have another child.” Those
kinds of statements just make bereaved parents angry.
If you want
to help, you might ask, “How are you doing?” or, “I
think coping with Joe’s death must be so painful,” or,
I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to go
through such a terrible loss, want to talk to me about
it?” If the parent looks at you and says, “I am doing
fine,” you might not want to accept that at face value.
It is hard in our society to talk about our anger,
sadness, and depression. Just be there for the family
members when they are not doing well, when they look
exhausted-when they are not sleeping, when they don’t
get back to work or other activities for a very long
time. Remember, don’t try to solve their problems, just
show you care.
Anxiety
This is a state of increased fear or anxiety. In some people the fear is extreme and unrealistic, and can interfere with their ability to perform daily tasks. Symptoms include:
- Shaking
- Muscle aches
- Insomnia
- Stomach upset
- Dizziness
- Irritability.
If these feelings persist for an extended period you may benefit from treatment.
More Anxiety Information
Depression
There is a sense of despair that colors your world. Many people feel like they have no energy and cannot concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time, with angry outbursts. When these feelings last over 2 weeks and they interfere with your daily life, you may be clinically depressed.
People who have had an episode of depression in the past are likely to experience depression again. Most people feel better after they are treated. More Depression Information
Do You Need Professional Help?
Generally anyone who has been involved with an event that causes a casualty or serious injury will have a time of difficulty. In some, however, the level of difficulty is such that their day-to-day living is nearly impossible.
Warning signs of a more serious problem include
- you are unable to resume a functional life,
- your relationships with other people are greatly suffering or even dropped,
- you have self-destructive thoughts, and/or
- you cannot think about the event or accept your changed life.
If these warning signs are present you should look for a psychologist or psychiatrist who has experience helping people following a trauma. You may benefit from counseling and medication. Your family physician or sometimes your health insurance call center can help. How to Find Good Professional Help
- Look for an experienced therapist who has been in practice for a number of years treating trauma victims.
- A therapist with a PhD may be more aware of current treatment practices and options.
- Ask about treatment practices and experience.
- Be honest. There is probably nothing you can say that these people have not heard before. Only an open, honest dialogue will help you doctor formulate a treatment plan that is right for you. If you do not feel comfortable speaking with the doctor or psychologist - FIND A NEW ONE!
Books
Sarnoff-Schiff, Harriett.
The Bereaved Parent. (ISBN 0-14-005043-4) Penguin
Books, 1977.
Ginny and Phil Lavender wrote : This
book is written by a mom who is herself a bereaved parent.
We found this book to be very helpful in that it does not
offer abstract comfort by telling us our child is in a
better place. Even though we are devout Christians, we
wanted our son with us. All parents want their children to
grow up and live a full life.
Any one who has lost a child
knows that promises of heaven cannot erase your pain, and
Mrs. Schiff does not try to do so. Instead, she offers
practical step-by-step guidelines and suggestions to help
you deal with everything from facing the funeral to
rebuilding your marriage and getting on with the rest of
your life. This book was an immense help in the years right
after our Micky died and helped guide us to find our way
back to the living.
Galinsky, Nadine.
When a Grandchild Dies: What to Do, What to Say, How to
Cope. (ISBN:0-9674416-0-9) Gal In Sky Publishing Company,
1999.
Kelley McGinnis wrote: I found the book helpful. A
useful tool while re-learning how to think, feel and cope
with the unthinkable!
Lafser, Christine O'Keefe. An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death. (ISBN 0-8294-1173-9) Chicago: Loyola Press, 1998
Short thoughts paired with biblical quotes. I found it helped me find words for some of my initial emotions. Lafser, Christine O'Keefe. Longing for My Child: Reflections for Parents and Siblings After a Child's Death. (ISBN 0-8294-1754-0) Chicago: Loyola Press, 2002
Similar to "Empty Cradle" but with more focus on later grief. The word longing is a good description of many of the writings. I found that it helped open an avenue of discussion with my husband - when I wondered if he was feeling some of the same feelings.
More Grief Books at:
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